Regret is a terrible thing. The word represents a feeling from which one cannot move forward. If you are constantly reevaluating a decision or action that occurred in the past, how can you live in the present? If your existence cannot even remain today, how can you possibly evolve towards the future?
I live with regret and it's kept me from growing. Regret has made me bitter about the world, wary of people, and a generally unhappy person. I think back on my life and I regret decisions I've made, especially the kind which brings you to a fork in the road: You chose the path on your left, yet you will always wondering, "Would my life have been better off if I took the path on the right?" To this day, I regret the direction I took on a decision as such and it pains me to realize this decision is now nearly 20 years old. How can I, as an adult, possibly dwell upon a decision made which is so old, a child from that year would be of legal drinking age very soon. This is the power of regret. So how does one let go?
Unfortunately, there is no drug or no easy solution. Even accepting it with your mind won't make the belief sink in. You can always try to believe it, but how many people are willing to concentrate in believing anything that can cause such hurt?
I manage to try and understand on a weekly basis with help, but I struggle everyday, alone, in an effort to absorb my regrets so that I may move on with my life. I must try and fight letting things I did in my past affect my future, and the only way to do this is to find acceptance today; to find the ability to accept who I am, with all my flaws (and the good).
I see the hold that regret has in others around me. It is never a pretty sight, and it does help me to realize that my regret must surely be just as unappealing. As I take each day trying to chip away my bondage, I feel as if it will never happen for me.
But even now, as I type at the keys putting these thoughts out, I feel a bit lighter knowing that I am letting it slip away even if only little by little. It has to start somewhere, and I guess better late than never is an old adage that may apply to me this time. And it is one I will gratefully take.
One addition way that could help to combat this feeling of regret, if I may offer up, is to come to an understanding that the so-called "the better other path" isn't necessarily better. You will never know that it would have been a better path. It is entirely possible that it would have been an even worst path.
ReplyDeleteI've made some big questionable "fork-in-life" decisions in the past. And in each case, the "harder" path turns out to be the path that I enjoyed more in the end. The "harder" path, I learned, makes you appreciate more of what you have/will get when you finally get past the hardship.
Prime example, I spend 6 years studying medicine for a career that I would never cared about. It was hard and depressing, but eventually when I got myself out of that and into a career that I really wanted, it makes me appreciate this career all the more. It makes me work harder than people who went to "proper" school and never having to question their choices. And you know I got more rewarded in the end than most of my peers.
Many other big decisions that I made that seemed reckless and bad at the time, always ended up better for me, even if it didn't quite turned out the way I predicted or expected. The key thing is not to keep dwelling on the "regret", but realizing that life is more than just one choice, and that as long as you are alive there more always even more choices and more forks in life that you can take that will make your life better.
But you have to make those decisions, don't be paralyzed by your regrets.
I think you're the only person who reads my crap. So thank you!
ReplyDeleteNo, no, I read everything too and I wouldn't call it "crap" as I have found your site to be quite interesting. I'm the "Anonymous" one dropping comments here and there as I delve deeper into your posts. This site has been a cool find for me and I count it amongst my favorite places to go. You have such a way with your words, articulate observations and at times brutal honesty about your life's journey. I agree with the previous poster whose name gives me a bad mental image. Don't you see that the harder path that you traveled has made you grow as a person? The mere fact that you have questioned and are soul-searching is stretching your bounds as a human being and what you find will be the very core of yourself. And your gut wrenching posts on the matter touches me that you would share such personal reflections of your growth. It is inspiring and hopeful in that it is your wish to move forward. In the past I have tried to find blame in my upbringing with my family but realized that as an adult there comes a time when I am responsible for myself and can no longer place that blame on others. The struggles I have gone through, and still do, have made me the person I am today and I wouldn't change a thing. From all I have read on your site and what you have shared I think you are an amazing person who is what she is. You are a human being with the same ups and downs that others also have but choose to allow us to see into your world through your eyes in such stunning details. It is brave and though you may not realize it there is that commonality between what you feel and others who also feel the same doubts. You are not alone and even though you dug your nails into your palms to feel I already know you feel because I have read it in your words. All is not lost when you touch the lives of other people and I am one of them. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteFrom the bottom of my heart - thank you.
ReplyDelete